Creepiness comes in many forms. One of those forms is k.d.lang. Indeed, her powers to envoke the spirit to self destruct is what I would call a gift. Many days.. many nights... oh woe...
There comes a time in every wo-mans life when they must find out that they have some fecked up young adults screwing around with the laws of creative writting...such as writting explicit, strange short storys about your being. We are all unique in our own ways.
Always rejoice to the 6 foot, 5 pound clit that is attached to your scrotum...and wipe that tear...and hump yor bed post with your Wee-nuh. Many great words...many great people... thus.. we are great.
Grew up in: Tesstickles of kd lang
Currently in: kd langs Vag
Graduated from: Kd Lang Memorial High School
Degree: PHd in knowing how things roll out of kd langs pants
Fraternity: Phi Kap Lang
Fave eats: kd langs poo-c
Least fave eats: kd langs ass
Transportation: a double bycicle that kd lang rides with me.
Sport #1: eating kd langs anus
Sport #2: Lang Climbing
Religion: I believe in any God that put kd lang on this Earth.
Spirituality: I masterbate to "Constant Craving."
Vision: kd lang smothered with a fine chedder sass, spread eagle.
Sport #4: Volleyball with Dion or Eminem
Eyes: black like kd langs soul
Hair: black like kd langs boosh
Height: 600 feet
Weight: 2 pounds
Metabolism: why the fuck would you need to know that?
Monday, November 18, 2002
"Lord of the Langs"
A Parody by Kerrington.
In a cave, far far away, in the land of Mordork...there was a creature.... a creature named DeeFace. One Day, DeeFaces cousin, Kerrington, found a Brad at the bottom of a lake.
"Oohhh! Look! I found a Brad! I think I'll keep it and give it away as a birthday gift to someone!" Kerrington said.
"Oh noo you don't Kerrington! Give the Brad to me so I can keep it!! It's MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY!" cried DeeFace
"No! I found it so I will do what I wish with it! Eat My ass!" was the reply.
DeeFace got so angry that she grabbed Kerrington by the neck and strangled her! Then she took the Brad and headed for the hills!
After many years of living in a cave with the Brad, the Brad escaped DeeFace...
"Nooo! Nooo my presssshhiiiuusss...myy onllyyy Braaddd..." Dee Face wailed.
Then one day, what happened to find the Brad was non other than a Hemp!! This Hemps name was Dildo Lang. Dildo kept the Brad for many ears. The other Hemps thought that the Brad was evil and made 'ol Dildo Lang creepy and mean!
On Dildo Langs eleventyith twelth birthday... Dildo decided it was time to give up the Brad to his Nephew-Neice, for he did not know if his Nephew-Niece was a boy or a girl. So they just called it kd lang.
When the wizard Ganderf the Derf came to the party, every Hemp was so happy! When Dildo Lang took the Brad out of his pocket and shoved the Brad on his finger, he dicks-suk-peered! Then re-appeared in his humble abode.
He left the Brad for kd lang and left the house without a trace...
Ganderf then had 3 of kd langs friends go with herm(her/him) on a journey to take the Brad to Mordork to destroy it because Men in black outfits that resembled Michael Jackson were after them. kd langs three friends were Melissa Ethridge, Ellen and Wil Wheaton.
Wil Wheaton was kd langs BESTESTESTEST FWEENNDD! He was a Hemp from the western side of the Shiznitre. Ethridge and Ellen were just two dumb Hemps that followed Wil around.
Their journey took them to many places and they met many new people. Like the Dictaor Putnam, who was the king of the woods and helped Wil Wheaton out of the willow tree that was about to consume his entire being. They all traveled to the Prancing :D only to find that Ganderf was no where to be seen. So they continued on their journey and was joined by Wheatpenny, who was a ranger that was in search of lost wheat pennys in the hills surrounding the Hemps villages.(you never know when you could find one to sell!)
They all escaped the Black Michael Jackson Riders just by inches each time they encountered them. kd lang was getting pissed and was stabbed by one when she put on the Brad to avoid capture..... then herm woke up in the elf town that was called Skidway Lake. There, they were joined by a hot little elf named Spoack that shot little bows and a troll that wore Hawiaian Shirts and was named Aaron, or GreatAnnoyingBeef for short. They were also joined by Crotch, the self righteous human.
They all traveled twords Mordork where they were stopped when Crotch freaked out on kd lang and tried to take herms Brad. Crotched failed. Then the evil goblins came and tried to steal the Brad and tried to kill everyone!! Everyone fought the best they could! And like a sissy, kd lang ran away. Crotched got shot with an arrow like 500 times then finally died. Wheatpenny was soo sad when Crotch died. Spoack and Aaron just watched and snickerd from behind a tree.
Wheatpenny decided that it was best that kd lang and wil wheaton go and journy by themselves to Mordork, so that they wouldn't fall victims to the powers of the Brad.
"I WONT LET YEW GO KD LANG!!!" cried Wil Wheaton!
"Nooo Willl!! You cant goooo! I don't want you too die!!" replied kd lang.
But Wil Wheaton was very stubborn and tried to swim to his beloved kd lang. He was about to drown when kd lang got herms strap-on and held it out for Wil Wheaton to grab onto. Then they hugged and made out, until Wil decided that they should paddle away and carry on their journey.
Wheatpenny, Spoack and Aaron just stood on the shore....
"COME ON! GET IN THE BOAT!" cried Spoack.
"No... noo...Spoack... we must not. We are going to travel to Mordork ourselves.... kd lang...will find a way."
end scene with kd lang and wil wheaton holding hands and traveling in their love boat into the sunset
As a side note
"Drama" that people create between themselves is nothing but humans being one-sided, it is for the weak and confused.
written by: Pee-tuh
What the hell is this. Im pissed KD Lang likes little boys. Remeber the gold and purple outfit.
Its subliminal man. When she danced her sexy dance on saturday night live, millions of little boys were fixated on her forever.
Hi my name is Pete. I am in love with KD Lang. I was one of those little boys that watched that one night. Man im fucked up forever.
All i dream about is KD Lang in my bed. I cant tell you how many wet dreams ive had about her. Ohhhh the purple and the gold. It makes me horny so horny. Many days in the shower i was thinkin about her. No Brad you can't have her. When im trippin on lsd all i see is her face and she is trying to sell me strap-ons larger than the big brick dick. I say no thanks ask my mom. She has a mangina which she loves dearly and shows no one. But it gets rubbed on Brads face. He likes it and it likes him. They should make a porn. NO. Maybe not.
written by: Pee-tuh
Friday, November 15, 2002
langy oh lang
tangy Ellens tang.
hump your bed post
and rub your Mangina on Brads face.
written by: Kerrington TeaTime
Wednesday, November 13, 2002
kd lang was sitting at her desk trying to write some lyrics to make a new album with. It has been 4 months and still she could not think of anything to write about. It seems that she has spent all of her time singing with Tony Bennet that it made her lose her MOJO for song writting. Tony Bennet was quite the gentleman and tried to get into her pant-suit a few times but she kept saying no, she's a lesbian, she still has her foo-foo loving responsibilities to uphold. Then the day came when Tony said: " Eff Yew, now suck my prick!"
flabbergasted, kd slapped him acrossed his face then stole a calculator that was in his left coat pocket and ran!
" Nooooo don't take my calculator!! I love him!" cried Mr. Bennet
"Too bad, you sniddle eyed spaz slut!" was the reply... then she was gone.
(insert N*SYNC 's 'gone' song here)
... So here she is... and she sits at her desk... thinking.
" Why can't I write anything! I am kd lang for godsakes! I am the royal voice of Canada! CANADA FOR THE LOVE OF GOD ! I AM THEE KD LANG AND I CAN"T WRITE EVEN A HAIKU ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE KELLY CLARKSTONS GIGGLY ASS!" the lang cried out and slaped her arms agaisnt the table. Putting her head down she began to sob and weep uncontrollably.
kd lang picked her head slowly and looked around the room with only her eyes...
"WHO SAID THAT!?" kd lang said loudly. " If this is you Tony, I suggest you cease... for I am the Lang..and you are the Bennett. And I will not suck on your wrinkly weeiner."
"Heeeeyy... this is not Tony... this is me... in your drawer." Said a muffled, high pitched voice...which was comming from the drawer under the desk.
kd lang suspiciously eyed the key hole on the drawer and lowered her head to it. " who are you exaclty...and what are you doing in my naughty drawer?"
" I am Samuel Texas Instrument...but you can call me Samuel. let me out...now."
"And why should I do that...SAMUEL"
"because I am stolen property, bitch."
kd lang drew her eyebrows together and was about to leave the room.... when she thought she could maybe get some information out of the stupid talking calculator.
"Hey.. I'll let you out if you tell me something."
"Ok... what do you want to know?"
"Does Tony Bennet jack off alot or does he get all the ho's"
it took the calculator a few momments, then it replied.
"Well.. he does get a few ho's now and then...but mostly he polishes his broomstick...but...he sometimes uses me...like, he rubs my brail risen nubbed keys over his tesstickles... mmmm i like that... then he calculates how much his spooge can travel... and like, this one time--"
"EW STOP IT!"
"Well!! He does!! Now I answered your stupid question! Let me out! It's stuffy!"
"Oh hell.. fine."
kd lang opened the drawer slowly and looked at the thin, black tablet of calculator goodness and picked it up.
"Ok Samuel... where do you want me to put you?"
"PUT ME ON YOUR TITTIES!"
"AHHH!!" cried kd lang and Samuel was thrown onto the floor. " You sick bastard! I will not put you on my Fun-Bags! Those are reserved for Melissa Ethridge and DeeFace!"
"Who the hell is DeeFace?" cried the little calculator on the floor.
"It's this weird girl who has wide hips and asks me what is happening and what I am doing and where I am going and it makes me feel loved."
"Your a dyke."
"Yah...well... WAIT! Im mad at you!"
"Oh do shut up. Now pick me up off of the floor and sit me up agaisnt the wall. If I am going to be your calculator....might as well let me have a little place of my own wall."
"Oh, fine." and she did pick up the texas intrument and set him up against the wall.
"Will you take my casing off... I want to be...exposed..." asked Samuel.
"Sure...will you be naked?"
"Yes... in calculator terms that is... but do not fear... I have no genatalia... just buttons and display screens."
" Hee Hee."
* * *
After a few months... kd lang and Samuel TI got to be good friends. they enjoyed long hours of computing finances and such things. Kd lang started to grow very attached to her calculator friend and was beginning to have...romantic feelings... for Samuel.
"Oh Sam.. what's 548390 times the square root of 34, then divide that by 2 and minus 16 from that? "
"That would be.... 12.81"
" Ohh yeahh baby..."
"Uh... kd..? what are you doing.?"
"Oh I can't help it anymore... I need to rub your nubbly buttons on my 5 foot clit! Now!" and kd lang began to take off her clothes.
" Noooo! dont take off your casing!! it will ruin what we have!" cried Samuel TI
but still kd lang continued..." Noo I must... have you!" and with that she peeled off her briefs... then... the shirek came...
" AHHHH !! AHHHH!! NOOO!!! AHHH!! YOU HAVE A PENIS AND A CLIT!!" cried Samuel
" welll... is THAT such a problem?"
" YES IT ISS!!! I DONT WANT TO BE RUBBED ON A FOONIS!!!"
"Ohh ..theres a first time for anything" kd lang swaggered over to the desk and was beginning to reach for Samuel.
"Nooo! you leave me no choice!!! Self Destruct... 5...4...3...2...1......."
"SAMMMMMMMMMM YEEEEWWWWWW EEELLLLL TEEEEE EYEEEEE!! NOOOOO!!!" kd lang cried and fell onto her knees and stretched her/his arms out wide... begging...begging to God...
"Must... kill... myself...." Then kd lang broke open Samuel TI's casing and took the piece of glass that was the display screen and slit her wrists...
"this is for you Samuel... the sexiest calculator...ever."
Saturday, September 28, 2002 The Return of the Lang
All was quiet in the Land of Lang. k.d. was sad, for she had been abandoned. There was some girl named :D that all of her old friends were talking about now. k.d. became furious. She punched her huge wall-sized poster of Melissa Ethridge angrily.
"Why! Why has :D taken away my fans! I will show her. I will destroy her with the help of my friend," k.d. squealed angrily, then adjusted her femme-package. Suddenly, an idea came to k.d. lang. She knew the way to conquer :D...she would not attack the body. She would attack the heart.
However, she needed an ally. She walked to the computer, upset. Who could help her! She didn't have any close friends to assist her, they were all creeped out by what a wo-man she was. She sadly logged onto wilwheaton.net, where she went to get away from it all. k.d. boredly opened up the comments for a recent piece, and slowly became more horrified as she read the latest essay.
"Sweet God..." said kd. "That's him. I can tell that's him. That's the one that we will use to take :D down." She immediately got on the phone with Wil, who was sobbing like a woman, and had been for three days straight.
"WHY GOD kd! WHY DID HE SAY THOSE HORRIBLE THINGS!" Wil squealed into the phone.
"Don't worry, Wil. We'll get revenge," kd replied, and adjusted her femme-package.
Three days later
Brad was sitting alone in his dorm room, quietly studying for his Econ exam. MSU was turning out nice. He was happy. He was finally far away from :D, and he talked to her only every month or so. It was wonderful.
Suddenly, his window exploded inward, and two people in black ski masks landed quietly in his room.
"YOU'RE TOAST NOW, BRAD!" screamed the one, in a wo-manly voice. The other screamed at him in a high-pitched dried up actor type voice.
"I'll show you to say mean things about me and my website!"
kd lang pulled out her phallus shaped gun and fired it into Brad's chest. He fell down dead.
"There," said kd. "Our plan is in motion."
Three more days later
:D was slowly thumbing through her Brad photo album, with the news on in the background. She pined for him. Suddenly, however, she heard something on the news.
"...and finally, today, Brad was horribly murdered today at the hands of wo-man feminist hemp wearing rockstar kd lang and dried-up formerly-gay rainbow-suited Wil Wheaton. God rest his innocent soul."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed :D, and died of grief on the spot.
Thousands of miles away, kd lang and Wil Wheaton had celebratory wo-man/mansex.
The End. Viva la bagina.
written by: Kerrington TeaTime
Thursday, July 18, 2002 The Lang Continues...
Every night, at around 10:30pm...they say you can still see the ghostly figure of a wo-man...
k.d lang sat in the darkness and stillness of the night by a 112 year old tombstone in the Ethridge Park Cemetary.
"I know I am going to capture pictures of that ghost...I just know that I am...I'm not just gonna sit here like some big turd and expect nothing! COME OUT YOU STUPID GHOST!! SHOW YOURSELF TO THE MIGHTY AND ALL POWERFUL KD LANG!" kd lang yelled at the brittle looking tombstone.
About 15 minutes later kd started to hear some strange russling coming from a nearby shrub.
"WHOS THERE!" kd said with a start and pointing her flashlight in the area.
kd lang started to brush the sweat off of her brow when she saw it...
"OH MY FREAKING GAWD!!" kd screamed from what she saw...
standing in the twilight, stood Paul McCartneys penis.
"NOOO !!! NOT PAUL McCARTNEYS DONG!! ANYTHING BUT THAT!!" kd yelled then fainted.
"Hey mate, I am Paul McCartneys penis...are you kd.lang? I have been searching for you....for ever so long..."
kd woke and starred up in amazment...
"Yes.. I am kd... why have you been searching for me Mr.McCartney Penis?" kd asked in a quiet whisper...
"BECAUSE I WANT TO NUT IN YOUR EYE! THAT'S WHY!" with that, the McCartney Doiley floated up to the stunned Kd.Lang and began to nut in her eye.
"OOHH MYYY GAWWWWDD ITTT STTINNNGGGSSSS!!!! MAAKKIEEE ITTT STTOPPPP!!!" kd lang yelled...
"NEEEEVVAHH!! MUAHAHAHAHA! I AM THE PENIS OF PAUL FRICKIN MCCARTNEY! EAT MY JIZZ YOU SLUTTY MAN WHORE!" the dang dong yelped.
After about 3 minutes of being nutted in the eye...kd lang passed out into a coma and eventually died from exposure...
* copy of Chiken Soup for the Confused Sexual Identity Soul rolls out of pants*
written by: Kerrington TeaTime
Tuesday, May 21, 2002
Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
Kerry has herpes
and now K.D. does too.
written by: Pukarella
Saturday, April 27, 2002
Yesss the candy mannnn cannnnnnnnn. Imagine K.d Lang in a Willy WoNkA outfit singing the WoNkA songs... THat would be hot.
written by: Kerrington TeaTime
Wednesday, April 17, 2002
The scene: kd lang standing on the side of the road wearing a red star trek uniform with spock ears(aka vulcan ears)
Old man sitting on porch: YOU ARE STUPID AND UGLY!
kd: Do not make me set my phaser to stun! I will get you! *whips out a Magnavox remote control and pretends to zap the old man*
Old man: Wow... you are the stupidest beef curtain i have ever seen.
Kd: *pokes at remote control* All right have it your way...BORG! I am on too you!! *jumps behind an old tree in the mans front yard*
Old Man: *starts waving cane in the air* DONT MAKE ME GET UP AND CALL THE POLICE ! YOU WACKY DYKE!
Kd: *pats the beer cap that she super glued to her left breast* Come in captian Kirk! this is spock! the borg is waving some kind of pulse refector at me! I dont know if my sheilds will hold! Spock out!
by this time... the old man has went into his home where he called the police.
kd: OH GOD NO! THEY HAVE COME TO ASSIMILATE ME INTO THEIR COLLECTIVE! I MUST HIDE! *dives into a bush* Ow!
Police man: Kd, this is the 7th time we have came out here. Im afraid that you will have to come with us...please take off that stupid outfit you look almost too gay in it.
Kd: I will never! never! NEVER SURRENDUR TO YOUR EVIL FORCES!!
*tries to use her phaser on the police man* Im getting you! see!!!! *makes zap zap noises*
Police Man: Alright.. i guess this will have to get ugly... *pulls out his black stick and beats kd lang up with it.*
Kd: wwhhhyy... i amm...spooawwwk.. captain kirk will get you!.....must....*dies*
*Captian Picard Baseball Cap rolls out of pants*
written by: Kerrington TeaTime
Wednesday, April 10, 2002
In the year 2030, the Earth was still a small point of light in an otherwise uninhabited galaxy. The inhabitants went about their everyday lives, without a care to what went on in the rest of the world, much less the universe.
However, one (wo)man from Earth was not content to simply do that.
Feminist lowercase rock goddess kd lang was trotting slowly on her morning jog. Her thoughts were of happy things, rainbows and pixies and beef curtains. She smiled, listening to the sweet sounds of Melissa Ethridge floating through her headphones. Suddenly, however, a young male voice penetrated through her daze.
“HEY SHE-MAN! GET OFF THE ROAD, YOU‘RE SCARING MY KIDS!”
kd stopped suddenly, scowling at the brutish man who was on the other side of the road. For years, she had been harassed and annoyed by simple-minded cretins, who insisted on making fun of her for the simple fact that she was one of the few humans alive who had a mangina.
“Shut up, you stinky pile of cow dung!” zinged kd.
“Whatever. Go screw yourself, ‘cause we all know you can.” The man giggled and ran down the road.
KD fumed. She would get revenge. Suddenly, she passed an advertisement for the new Star Trek movie. She realized that she did not have to get revenge. She could simply leave it all behind.
(Three months later)
kd happily hugged her hot woman lover, Melissa Ethridge. “I’m so happy, love! We’re finally going away from this horrible Earth!”
“Yes, we are,” Melissa replied, then started singing “Come To My Window.” kd swayed happily to the music, then spoke.
“Alright, my soul, let’s get on the ship.”
They boarded the carefully constructed ship, walking through the two spherical engines, and up through the control shaft. They finally took a seat at the controls, right in front of the huge display. They could see the clouds drifting above. Finally, kd lang pressed the ‘liftoff’ button, and the whole ship shook as it lifted away from the Earth.
“Here we go, my love! The first voyage of the SS Hemp!” She hugged her she-lover, and they watched the stars fly by.
Tune in from now on to Star Trek: The Lang Generation
Saturday, March 23, 2002
So like I seen this thing on Linda Tripp and now I wanna be just like her. My mom wants me to be more like Paula Jones but shes not special like Linda. She doesnt reveal private things and that I cannot respect. So anyways, I took a swing at it and heres some of the latest gossip
Kerry: Hey marl. Long time no see dude!
Marl: Yeah I know!! Ive been so busy though slaughtering endagered animals and having sex with the pointy end of my fence.
Kerry: Doesnt that hurt? OWW
Marl: Yeah, it does at first but Im used to it. I had a few flings with some pretty XL in the groin bruthah's.....OMG Tyrese from MTV is so hot
Kerry: dude.....your disturbing me.
Marl: I know....its all the glue Ive been sniffing. It's been making my ticker go clunk. Yesterday I chewed on gabes shoes for like 3 hours and then I wet the bed.
Kerry: oh....I gotta go now...my mom is calling me
Marl: NO!!! your not leaving me!! No one leaves me and lives!! Wanna ask the last person who did? Ill go dig her up from under my basement and she'll tell you about it. I hate you.
Kerry: sorry...I have to.
Marl: Oh well. Dont feel bad. Besides....I have a KKK meeting to go to. Ill see you around.
Kerry: ok bye.
So yeah. Im kinda liking this stuff. I get to find out lots of neat things.
Monday, January 21, 2002
Oh where oh where has my kd lang gone
Oh where oh where can he/she be??
with its man hair cut short
and its long straaaaaaaaap-on
oh where of where can he/she beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!?
oh muh laaanng oh muh laannngg oh my darlinnn kd laannnggg
I have lost you.... uh.. i dont know how the rest of the song goesss.. oh my darrrliin kd lang!
Away in a manger no crib for a bed... the little dyke lang layed down its creepy head.
Tuesday, January 01, 2002
AHHH KD LANG I.M'ed ME ON AOL !!!!
kdlang: damn it..
kdlang: my dad stepped on my dog..
kdlang: not funny!!
kdlang: my dog is my life..
kdlang: i love mon bela
kdlang: anyway.. go look at the pic i added to my profile..
kdlang: are you still gettin that song?
kdlang: hey.. want a wav. of me playing my guitar /
Kerrington22: you can send it tomarrow
Kerrington22: im gonna go to bed here soon
kdlang: you sleep too much
kdlang: i get about 2 hours of sleep a night
Kerrington22: yah its fun tho
Kerrington22: i get 12
kdlang: and i'm still running around like my pants are on fire
kdlang: i sleep everyday from about.. 9:30 am 12:00
kdlang: to 12:00
kdlang: well anyway.. yer still a hottie
kdlang: and i'd have yer kids
kdlang: i'm all about ... dykieness i loove dykes, man
kdlang: mmmmm.... ddddyykkkeesss
Kerrington22: haha yeeeis
kdlang: everyone i know thinks i'm a hottie.. but my pics do me no justice.. atall
kdlang: i don't get it..
kdlang: *piss and moan*
kdlang: i'm not photogenic.. poopie
kdlang: do play any instruments?
Kerrington22: flute and sax. but flute the most
kdlang: i have the best guitar in the world.. a $15,000 crystal flying V gibson
kdlang: it's like.. cubiczyrconia
kdlang: er however you spell it
kdlang: and without my guitar i am nothing..
kdlang: yea.. i play the drums,bass, cello, piano... and sum alto sax
kdlang: i have a natural talent for the harp.. but they scare me
kdlang: i know to much stuff..
kdlang: i speak german,french,italian, spanish, latin and english,, fluently
kdlang: i draw, paint, sculpt..
kdlang: i sing in my own band
Kerrington22: thats cool
kdlang: i have a nack for stripping and glow stick dancing..
kdlang: and i'm a 2 time national first/grand prize poetry winner.
kdlang: and i only entere twice anyway..
kdlang: and now i think i'm braggin...
kdlang: but i don't mean to i just want you to know something bout me
kdlang: my brain hurts.. * shuts it off*
kdlang: *BBZZZ* IT'S ALIVE!!!
kdlang: think you could answer sum questions for me?
kdlang: If Geronimo jumped off a cliff what would he yell?
kdlang: Why are black boards green?
kdlang: why are there lockes on 24/7 stores?
kdlang: why do kamikaza's wear helmets?
kdlang: why do you park in a driveway and drive on the parkway?
Kerrington22: uh... i dont know
kdlang: why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together?
kdlang: why is there no cure for aids/
kdlang: why is the goverment spying on us then taking our babies away.. and stealing our money?
kdlang: why is oj are found not guilty?
kdlang: if someone killed you with an icecicle... do you think it would be the perfect crime?
kdlang: are there really miniature cameras in magazines?
kdlang: ok.. i'm done for now
kdlang: so... where are my answers?
Kerrington22: in my ass
kdlang: oh.. so i have to open your poop like fortune cookies?
kdlang: am i bothering you?
kdlang: i'll leave you alone now..
kdlang: am i?
Kerrington22: im like talking to 500 peole at the same time so its hard to do stuff lol
kdlang: well.. i'll leave you be for a while and talk to you later..
kdlang: Ciao biuono di amo poochie conterso
Kerrington22: haha ok bye.
kdlang: hey guess what?
kdlang: i'm 82% gay.. most lesbians are only 44%
kdlang: and it says....90% people lesser gay
kdlang: just as gay 0% and gayer 0%
kdlang: and it was based on... 161,898 submissions before me
Kerrington22: ooh interesting...
kdlang: i rock..
kdlang: ok bye
AHHHHH... who ever thought that kd lang could be sooo creeepy. it reminds me of this girl i know who looks like this: :D
hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi!
*kerry stabs herself many times*
*sock falls out of pants*
widdle wooden dildos
watch Three's Company
Pretend she was in Dukes of Hazard
Dream of Marl Naked with a candle sticking out of her ass
Wear Purple man suits with matching Hammer Pants, a Gold mans shirt and gold socks with black penny loafers.
Play POGS with Melissa Ethridges granma
Steal Melissa Ethridges Girlfriend of twelve years
Make fart bubbles in the tub
Sing The Platters greatest Hits to her phantom weenie.
Go to Gay clubs so she can hit on gay men
write short stories about commiting suicide
tailor her own Pant Suits.
give herself breast exam's in the shower while she rubs her ass on the shower head.
put socks in her pants so they can roll out.
The scene: After singing to a packed arena of screaming lesbians for 4 hours, Kd is in her car seeking for a place where she can unwind. While reaching under her driver seat to grab the Kama-Sutra book she always reads while driving she finds a flyer.
*turns the car around all fast like, just inches from running down a lady pushing a stroller with a baby in it. Heads to the last day of OCTOBERFEST celebration on the other side of town*
Kd: *Arrives and parks her car* Oh dear, Im way overdressed in this Versace pant suite.....*turns to the backseat* A HAH! Its a good thing I brought a change of clothes!
*Scurrys away hoping none of the heterosexual drunk men recognize her, and runs into a Porta potty and changes**the door of the porta potty flies open and out comes a dressed down Kd in acid washed SASSOON pants, a Michelob t-shirt, beach sandals, and a fanny pack*
Kd: *puts hands together* Ok now....to get me one of them big cups of beer I go!
*walks towards the beer stand with her ID and money ready*Stands in line with everyone else**turns around and notices a large biker lady checking her out but ignores it and just focus's on what the beer will taste like in such large cups* excited*
*gets to the front of the line finally*
Kd: Yessssss...................I think I will have 2 cups of your darkest ale! I also wanna go Big....or supersize the cups. Whatever. The biggest cups ya got will be fine.
Beer stand lady: Can I see some ID?
Kd: Sure. *hands it to the lady*
Beer stand lady: *looks at the ID then at KD* Im sorry sir..........this isn't your ID. It says here this person in the picture is female.
Kd: THat IS meee!! *holds the id up to her face* See?! It's me!
Beer stand lady: Im sorry sir....its a policy. You haveta present your own ID to purchase alcohol. This is obviously not yours but a females. Now if you excuse me....theres people behind you who want to get drinks.
Kd: *stunned**goes back to her car and drives away bummed* Alright! The nights not over. Theres still liquor stores open this late.
*pulls into a liquor store and goes in* *pulls a tall can of Budweiser from the fridge and takes it to the counter**presents her ID to the clerk*
Clerk: *looks at ID then at KD* *gets angry* I have no time for these games sir.....Im gonna havto ask you to leave....and take your stupid wifes ID with you! Come back when you show me YOUR 21. Not some Ladys.....
Kd: *mad* Fuck this!*opens the tall can and gulps it all down like a man in front of the clerk at the front counter*
Clerk: Im calling the police!!!!
*Kd makes a mad dash for the door when suddenly her puffy at the waist SASSOONS get caught on the WEST COAST LATINA magazine rack*
*clerk catches up to her and pulls Kd to the floor*
Clerk: *yells for his son* Hurry son! Get me a permanent marker !! We got a theif here! Your lucky I didnt call the cops but your unfortunate cause now your in my hands.*holds her down and writes with the permanent marker on KD's Face.....IM A STUPID LIAR.....
Clerk: Ok....Let this be a lesson to not pull anything on me ....be a man! Now go!
*lets go and Kd runs to her car and drives away fast*
*Kd finally gets home....and sets her keys down and plops down on her couch*
-cut to the next day-
*Everyone questions Kd why she has Im a stupid liar written on her face**Kd lies and begins to accuse everyone of being crazy and seeing things* THE END
written by: Maria
To the staff of BAGINA. People have complaints. Ive listed them
1. The text on the top banner for Bagina looks like the kind of poop that can only be produced when indgesting pretzel doe. The Viewers would like it much more if instead of the the poop like font, you replace letters with a picture of Micheal Landon from Little House on the Prairie.
2. Why is there no nude pictorial spreads of Kd Lang on a cake like on the other Kd Lang sites?
3. The use of the name Bagina Kerry in this site is tarnishing the good christian girl image of the real Bagina Kerry from Hollywood Florida USA. The two identites are mistaken all the time and the real Bagina Kerry doesnt want to be confused for the Korean Hooker Bagina Kerry of this site.
4. Readers demand functioning floaty Kd head dinga-ma-bobbers on this page.
5. Bags and bags of mail have been sent in about this complaint. People are requesting that Bagina Stallion stop pasting his head onto pictures of hung black men and sending them to their homes. Their considering taking legal action if they find Stallions pictures(which include his home phone number also) stapled in front of Gay male clubs again.
As a fellow staffer of this family oriented site.........I am finding it harder and harder to hold back the vomit when I read a letter concerning either Kerry's pouring hot cream of corn on tiny puppies, Stallions midnight romps through city parks in a superhero suite that has a hole cut out so that his junk hangs out, or Bagina Farted's attempts to drive everywhere naked. This needs to stop! Your making the baby jesus cry.
written by: Maria
All in the name of charity
The Scene: Kd is holding a press-conference to answer questions about a upcomming collaboration album that in which, all proceeds will go to charity. The media is there along with a few artists who have signed on to sing with Kd on the record.( Jon Secada, Kermit the frog, Diana Ross, Lance Bass from NSYNC, and David Hasselhoff)
She has kept all information regarding the theme of the music and what charity will benefit to just herself. Even the artist have no clue what will be in the works but for some reason Jon Secada has a box of canned food with him. The press begins to ask away.......
Kd: Ok.....you all know who I am because I am a huge celebrity of course and Im here to answer any questions regarding the upcomming project soooo..........ask me.
*reporters hands and voices raise trying to get Kd's attention*
Kd: Yes......you in the hairpeice*points towards someone*
The press: Yes.....in regards to all those curious to what you have planned for the album, what kinda music will be featured on it and will there be any surprise duets?
Kd: Well......its a compilation album of course! That im sure Ive said to you already but this one will be different compared to WE ARE THE WORLD and BAND AID's charity artist compilation records. Especially compared to the recent WHAT's GOING ON record. It took Whats going on to spark up my best idea yet to date. In case you folks havent noticed in all those and especially WHATS GOING ON.....all the artists voices are laid into portions of the verses from the song. Well......in case you havent also noticed only two people can actually sing out of the entire lineup of singers........but that hasnt hindered it from making millions. In this album.......Ive selected all the same songs from Anne Murrays SONGS OF HOPE album and re-did them with one major hitch. Ive eliminated all other voices but mine cause mine sounds better than everyone else's voice and all the other artists will just whistle to the beat. So to answer the second question....will there be any duets......no. Next question...
*all the artists are outraged suddenly but say nothing
Reporter: Ok...so if this is a whistling album.........do you think it will be any sucessfull and if so...which charity will benefit from its sucess?
Kd: I know it will do well!!!! I mean cmon....look at Lou Bega and O-Town! If they can do well.....so can this. To be honest .....at first....I wanted the money raised by this album to benefit AIDS or the September 11 releif fund but their all being helped out already. Then I thought the money should go to feed the homeless but I changed my mind when I seen a fat homeless lady pushing her cart of Recylable goods and talking on a cell phone. They obviously are not that needy.......so I've decided to go with my heart and help out those who truly need my help..........................................Victims of Enema or Enema related Deaths.
Jon Secada: What the hell?! You said we were gonna use the money to buy a stock of canned goods for Somolian Babies! Why did you ask me to bring cans then huh?!
Kd: Well sorry Jon. I lied. The truth is that I was hoping to make a canned food skyscraper after this conference. You know....to kill time.
Jon Secada: You rotten bitch!!! *pushes the box of canned food away from in front of him and puts his head down and cries*
Lance: *comforts Jon Secada* Ok Kd....its not fair......no wonder ya kept everything under wraps. You must think we're fools. Sorry but Im backing out of this...its not fair that we only get to whistle!
*Diana Ross gets her rhinestone purse and walks away upset*David Hasselhoff puts on his glasses and lights up a doobie while he walks away dissing Kd*
Kd: Where ya all going?
Lance: There all leaving! I dont blame them either! Im leaving too!!!! *gets his rhinestone purse and walks away*
Kd: Fine!!!!!!!!!!! I dont need you stupid crap throats!!! I still got Jon Secada and Kermit the frog on my team!!
*Jon Secada is still crying and Kermit looks at him with his wobbly glued on plastic eyes then looks at Kd*
Kermit: Screw this bitch!! I quit! I dont wanna sing nor do this puppet gig anymore!!! *the man behind the puppet flings kermit across the room and grabs a can of Pumpkin pie filling from Jons box.*
Man formerly behind the Kermit puppet: THIS IS FOR LOOKING LIKE A MULATTO ASIAN/WHITE GAY MAN KD LANG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*throws the can of pumpkin pie filling at her really hard killing her**runs away trying to catch up to Diana Ross so he can de-fraud her too while hes at it**the man behind the puppet has harbored his beleif about Diana Ross being a Robot created by Hitler but hopes to catch up to her so he can try to pull her skin off and find out the truth*
*Kd Lang lies dead on the floor while reporters take pics of themselves with their legs up on her like shes a prized deer hunting trophie**they all giggle and snap pics*THE END
written by: Maria
Tuesday, December 11, 2001
I Saw K.D. Getting Some Action Last Night
(To the tune of "I saw mommy kissing santa clause)
I saw Rosie fucking K.D. Lang
beneath the covers with Roseanne Barr
They didn't hear me queef
in the room as I pulled up the sheet
They thought that I was fucked up
In my bedroom with my sheep.
Then I saw K.D. tickle Roseanne Barr
Underneath her rolls of cellulite
What a laugh it would have been
If Melissa had only seen
K.D., Rosie, and Roseanne Barr that night.
written by: Pukarella
the scene: kd lang is sitting in the bushes outside a hemp covered house.
kd: "melissa ethridge doesn't like me because she's afraid of my package. but she is just confused, and i shall serenade her into loving me."
-steps up near window-
"melissa ethridge! I have come to your window, and I wait by the light of the moon!"
-Melissa comes to her window- "Go away you phallus bearing freak!"
Kd: -sobs- "Wait! I made you...le poem
-uncrumples old maxi pad and reads-
"Melissa...I yearn for you,
Like the leaf yearns for the watery dew,
Like the ear yearns not to be deaf,
and like the right flappy yearns for the left.
MelissaEthridge: -Blinks happily-
"You shine to me,
like a light through the trees,
I want you to watch,
while I touch my crotch--"
Melissa: KD! GROSS!
Kd: Let me finish!
"You are my best friend,
You are there for me, and don't like men,
I really do love you a lot,
Let me stick my mangina into your crockpot!"
Melissa: -screams and throws a rock at kd, which strikes her upon the head-
-small banjo rolls out of pants-
written by: Bradwick
Kd the red nosed Lezzy!
T’ was the night before Christmas and all thru the hay, not a creature was mating, not even Andrew Dice Clay!
Scene: South/North Pole (which ever frickin end he lives on…grrr.)
Santa Is eating a Giant Vat of Chile made by a woman with Camel Toe that sort of resembles Mrs. Clause and Patrick Swayzes Aunt Girth.
Santa: Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Putinannny Christmas you bastards!!! Thanks to that queer from Alabama (thinks of BaginaMarl) I don’t think I will be able to make my trip around the sleeping world to deliver my Elf Made Presents!!
Mrs. Santa: -lifts leg and farts- what did BaginaMarl do this year too you! Oh dear! I hope she didn’t glue condoms to the reindeers antlers again!
Santa: Oh no… I was ready for that if it were to happen again. No, no… this year she decided to Queef all over the South Pole so now there’s a mysterious fog surrounding half the continent!
Mrs. Santa: -Gasps- Ew! She queefed! Isn’t that supposed to be an intimate noise made between two heterosexuals making love!
Santa: No!! this was… this was.. THIS WAS A LESBAIN QUEEF! THE WORST KIND!
-Gasping can be heard all through-out Santas House-
Elf#1: Did he just say Homosexual Queefing! I have never heard of such a thing!
Elf#2: Yes indeed, he just said Queer Queefing!
Santa: I guess I will have to go out to the barns and tell the ‘ole Reindeer that they can relax this Christmas. -sighs-
== As Santa Nears the Reindeer barn, He begins to hear strange noise’s and decides to put his ear up to the wall and listen==
Voice: Oh that’s it Prancer…oh goddddddoohhhhgooodd OOHHHH GOOOAAWWWWWDD!!!
Voice: Your such a big boy! You’re a naughty naughty reindeer! –giggles-
Prancer: - Winnys-
=Santa Busts through the barn doors=
Santa: O-KAY !! Just what the hell is goi.…OH MY GOD!!! -Covers Eyes-
-A Little Shadow rolls into the light and reveals that it is Kd lang the new Elf from the North pole!-
Kd: -kicks at some hay with her little belled adorned elf slippers and tweeks her nose- Hey Santa! Whats up? Want some Reindeer Hoof? –points finger to a heaving Prancer-
Santa: HEY! You’re a sicko! You’re that new Elf from the North Pole aren’t you! I don’t want my Elves going around sodimizing my Reindeer!!
Kd: Oh! You mean Bestiality! –tooth gleams-
Santa: I don’t care what it is called! They have jobs to do tonight!! –droops head- Well they did have a job to do….
KdElf: what do you mean Santa! –Looks at Santa with glazed over eyes-
Santa: well, its that damned BaginaMarl! She Queefed all over the South Pole and I cant see worth a shit out there..and neither can my deer… I would need the brightest light to be able to see where I am going.. Im going to let all the children of the world down… well except fer those afghan kids.
KdElf: -thinks for a moment-….You know what Santa!!! I think I might have the answser to your problem!
==Kd Elf rubs nose really hard and it begins gleaming a bright red color that cuts thru the foggy queef air==
Santa: Oh my lordy!! Kd Lang Elf… Wont you Guide my sleigh tonight!!!
KdElf: Sure thing Santa!….-thinks…-
Santa: -Clicks heels- Oh what good news!!! The Children will have their toys!!
KdElf: -tugs on Santas coat- …Um Santa..I would be happy to guide your sleigh…But Im an Elf..not a Reindeer…So I Can’t fly…
Santa: -Eyes narrow down- YOU BURN IN HELL YOU CREEEPY LITTLE WO-MAN ELF!!
Santa: -shoves a chile ladle through Kd Lang Elf’s chest-
KdElf: ….ohh….Sanntaaa…..wwhhyy??? -gasps for breath- …
Santa: -turns on heel and walks out to go have secks wiff mrs. Clause-
-Children of World don’t get any presents-
-Children are let down-
-Kd lang Elf Dies-
-Prancer hums ‘Constant Craving’ Over kd Elf’s dead body-
-Tuna Melt rolls out of tight green elf shorts-
The scene: The year is 1984. Wham is on the charts and a young Kd is in her bedroom(the basement of her parents house). Kd is listening to her fav tunes on her headphones and dancing around her room playing the air drums. At this point in time...she has meshed the fashions of both Boy george and Madonna into her own wardrobe.
Kd: *dancing around in her DONT WORRY BE HAPPY shirt and large oversized bow on her hat.**singing* Booooooooorder lineeeeeeeeeeee. Seems like Im going to loooose my mind....asss looong as yoooou keep pushing my looooove, over the boooorder linnnnnnnnne.
Mom: Your dinner is ready sweetie. Turn the music off and come and eat!
Kd:*still dancing and singing*
Mom: KD!!! Are you listening to me?! I said dinner is ready!! Come and eat before your nachos and lettuce get cold!!
Kd: *still singing while putting on her terri cloth wrist bands.**cant hear a word*
*knock, KNOCK, KNOCK!**
Mom: Alright....im tearing this cock sucking door down! *rams it down*
Kd: *frightened and surprised when she sees her mother getting up off the floor* OMG!! Dont you knock mother?!!
Mom: I did like a million times and you didnt answer!!
Kd: OMG mom!! Its so like you to lie!! Get out!!*throws a chicken bone at her mom* Booooooooooo!!!! get out!!
Mom: You know what...Ive had it with you always wanting to look like that girl in that poster!*points at the Culture Club poster reffering to Boy george* That's it!! Your grounded! Your not going out! No Tv. No nothing. And your not going to wear that silly clothes anymore!! Im gonna make you wear those pant suites yer grandma made for you so that your friends start calling you a lesbian!!!
Kd: OMG MOM!!!!! No! I dont wanna look like a guy!!! Please dont!
Mom: No. Too late. You should of thought of that before ya boooed at me and hit me with a chickenbone!
Kd: *drops to her pillow and sobs* My life is over!! No boy will ever like me!!!!!!! Not in a pant suite!!!
*months pass and kd is forced to wear pant suites. She becomes to adapt to them and begins to take notice of women with faint facial hair...............to make a long story short..........This is how she became a lesbian.*
written by: Maria
Monday, December 10, 2001
Kerrington22: shes going to sit undeer yoru treee!
Kerrington22: wiff tinkerbells on her Ta-Ta's
Thyarr: SHe'll sit up all night going, 'Brad brad brad...'
Kerrington22: Brad... brad! hI HI HI HI HI! ARE YOU AWAKE!?
Kerrington22: shell like sing the 12 days of christmas but like
incorpreate your name into each one.
Thyarr: Five golden brads! four calling brads, three french brads,
two turtle brads, and a partridge in a pear tree!
Kerrington22: " on the first day of christmas my true love BRAD
gave to me! A pair of his pannntaayyss!"
Kerrington22: in a brad tree!
Thyarr: a brad in a brad tree!
Thyarr: really naked!
Kerrington22: 2 turtle brads... rofl.
Kerrington22: 2 really naked turtled brads.
Kerrington22: bahahaha... i just got a visual of her singing that
naked with wrapping sitting outside your door at liek 3 am.
Kerrington22: "braaaddd.... i havent seen you in 3 days!"
Thyarr: twelve brads a drumming, eleven brads piping, ten really
naked brads aleaping, nine brads dancing (naked), eight brads
milking me, seven brads a swimmin (skinny dipping), six brads
a-layin naked, five golden naked brads, four calling brads, three
french naked brads, two turtle naked brads, and a naked brad in
a pear treeeee!
Kerrington22: bahahahhahah LOL
Kerrington22: thasss ittt!!!
Kerrington22: I must draw this!!!
Thyarr: do you werk tomorrah?
Kerrington22: im going to wb wiff my mom in the morning to go
Thyarr: cool, i do too. bring the drawing ;p
Kerrington22: hopfully i will remember to draw it tonght.
Kerrington22: dude... kd lang sittinig naked out side your door
in a bow singing the twelve days of brad!
Kerrington22: dude! post the twelve days of brad on bagina! it
would be funnie! tee!
Thyarr: on the seventh day of christmas, my true love gave to me..
written by: Kerrington TeaTime
Sunday, December 09, 2001 the scene: kd lang is sitting happily listening to her new enya cd, 'A Day Without Rain'
Kd: Neeemoawaaaaaaah! Nemoawaaaaaah! Blimey, I love Enya! Her lyrics make my heart pound and my juices flow! I want to do a duet with her. -picks up phone and dials-
Enya: Namaste, this is the spirit of Enya speaking.
Kd: Hi! This is man-pant bearing rockstar, kd lang! Let's do a duet!
Enya: Your spirit frightens me. -hangs up-
Kd: I will have my way! I'll tape my own video to "only time"! That'll show that spiritual bitch!
Saturday, December 08, 2001
Kerrington22: yah oscoda is allike going to be a ghost town n stuff. hehehe
Kerrington22: plus theres that air force base there... so people dont want to be anywheres near that.
Thyarr: hahah...we should all move there.
Kerrington22: I would l ike, the appartments would prolly be really cheap... and thers alpena college like an hour from it. hehe
Thyarr: Yeah. I could just get a cottage there, hehehehe.
Kerrington22: lol..dumass. "Tee Hee I shall get a cottage there!"
Kerrington22: you sound british or somthing
Thyarr: a summer flat!
Kerrington22: say bunglalow or hut. or somthing.
Kerrington22: "my dear boy, I shall get up a summer Flat and we shall reside by lake huron drinking tea and covereing our flesh with sunscreen"
Thyarr: "Oh, that would be such jolly fun, we could primp our bimbies and frollycock on the lovie."
Thyarr: I just made half those words up, but it's still amusing.
Kerrington22: "Then we shall eat crumpets and sing by the piano while I twirl my sunshade"
Kerrington22: dude, download 5 year winter by zao. that song is the shieeett
Thyarr: lmfao! tonite at work, we should talk british all night...and scare meghan.
Kerrington22: we should!
Thyarr: hehe yeah. you'll be like, 'Goodness, I'm trinkled! Could you perhaps willy me some breadsticks so that I could tarnish my belly?'
Kerrington22: or we should just talk regular byut talk hwo brisitn people would.
Thyarr: We have to say 'bloody' in front of EVERYTHING.
Thyarr: "Hand me the bloody washrag, you blazing goat!"
Kerrington22: "good lord Im fammished! make me a bloody pocket pizza"
Kerrington22: oi grannie! whats for suppah!
Thyarr: Okay, I have to go get ready for werk.
Kerrington22: *boxes ure ears*
Kerrington22: see you at 5 slut.
Thyarr: see you at werk, you bloody git.
Thyarr signed off at 2:29:11 PM.
written by: Kerrington TeaTime
BUSTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Kd lang does cyber like the rest of corporate america! with cameryn manheim at that! Who woulda known she was also gay?...yeah rite! shes a dyke....well...I got their convo. Enjoy Kd lang fanatics!
Kd: im gonna dew you like a slooooot
Cameryn Manheim: pay me bitch
Kd: ok*throws a bunch of cans of pop on yer couch
Kd: there ya go!
Cameryn Manheim: WOOHOO *dives in the cans and rolls around*
Cameryn Manheim: im yourrrrrsss
Kd: *does you till yer all sloppy and hungry
Kd: *feeds you some KFC
Kd: *all romatic like and slow
Cameryn Manheim: *eats the bones*
Kd: OoO baybee that was good*puts a peice of buiscut and gravy in yer mouf
Cameryn Manheim: GrRrRrRrs while its devoured*
Cameryn Manheim: where u learn how to treat a woman?
Kd: *sops up yer bagina junk wiff a buiscut and puts it i yer mouf
Kd: i learned in jail
Cameryn Manheim: lol
Cameryn Manheim: fuck that shit
Cameron Manheim: its like old times baby
Kd: what shit?
Cameron Manheim: sorry...i saw a mouse
Kd: old times? you calling me old*covers her teets...
Cameryn Manheim: his name is fuck that
Cameryn Manheim: ohh you know what i mean *jumps on you and dumps gravy all over ur neck and ears*
Kd: Mmm eat it like a whore!!!!!!!
Kd: *shoves yer face into my liver spots*
Cameryn Manheim: *gets up slowly and moves over to the 8 track stereo and bends over showing slightly the faded pink teddy under my sky blue bathrobe that the dogs sleep on*
Cameryn Manheim: u like... winger?
Kd: um......how bout some.... Poison
Cameryn Manheim: *picks up a half eaten drumstick and trails it down my sagging breasts*
Kd: *watches the food roll down the wrinkles and gets hawt wiff animal passion*
Cameryn Manheim: *crawls up slowly singing "shes only se ven teeeen* *unlaces the shoe that has a lace and twirls it above my head*
Kd: wow!......you even kinda look like winger with the five oclock shadow and the big teeth!! well,....ok.,...just the five oclock shadow part atleast
Kd: roar!!!!!!!!!!! yer making me moist!
Cameryn Manheim: *licks my tooth*
Kd: *looks as yer tooth rolls down to the floor,.,...*
Kd: its ok......you dont need teeth for me to lubbb you
Cameryn Manheim: *nibbles ur forearm with my gumms and slobbers up and down your hairy oil stained hands*
Kd: *moans........OooOooooooOooooooo...do me liek you did that one time in the bathroom at the welfare office
CM: when you stuffed me with tose dirty toilet seat covers like a thanksgiving turkey?
Kd: *pushes you off* ...Youve been cheatin huh?!....I never did that!!!!!!!
Kd: *runs into the next room......and grabs yer Jeff foxworthy poster and rips it in front of yer face* take that bish!
CM: NOOOooo NOOooooo ur crazy YOUR CRAZY
CM: ITS DRUGS INSNT IT?! *grabs ur arm*
Kd: my drugs have nuttin to do with yer loose affections for meh!!!
CM: *looks down sappily*..it was joe bob....
CM: YOU TRIED TO SELL OUR TRAILOR!
CM: i had to
Kd: but why?>! you know we dotn haveta worry about money anymore.....not with that makeshift abortion clinic in the barn...
CM: i just need to move on to bigger and better things billy, the farm the trailor, i need more than that
Kd: oh but we do have more
Kd: what do you call our kids....AND OUR LORETTA LYNN Records!!!!?
Cm: what could you possibly give me besides the herpes billy?
CM: *covers mouth and flops down on the part of the couch without the sprig stucking out*
Kd: hoe!! get yer tube top off the toaster and get out!!!
CM: *swallows what stream of snot trailing down my face and runs out the door* *screams*
Cm: "keep it you jackass bastard
Kd: get out get OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
disclaimer....what fake lesbium drama! ughk!! even celebritys are targets for white trash mockery....
written by: Maria
Wednesday, December 05, 2001
Kerrington22: gah i have to poo but i have to wait for my stupid brother to stop teaching retards here.
Kerrington22: ahh its creepy in here.. theres a bunch of ugly bishes...
Pukarella: you can't pooop!
Kerrington22: *goes into the sailormoon.com chat rooms*
Kerrington22: well i hate pooing in public!
Kerrington22: i get all paranoid!
Pukarella: you can't poooooooooo!!!!!
Kerrington22: I HAVE to poo! i just wont do it here! i must be at home or at a firends house. hahaha or at mc donalds... hehe
Pukarella: you can't poo!
Pukarella: im gonna post this convo
Kerrington22: dude it was funnie last night at work, i went to go pee and there was this this old lady in there farting it was funnie..
Kerrington22: dude I HATE YOU!
Kerrington22: dont post it! bahaha
Pukarella: ok, i won't post it, but you have to admit that you think kd lang is hot
Kerrington22: you can post it.
written by: Pukarella
The Scene: Time of Jesus
kd: *strolls out form her hut in Rome and asks a passing peddler nearby a question* I say, there peddler, do you have any fruit-baskets?
Peddler: Oh no! Fruit baskets are outlawed in this part of Rome! Im afraid that I will have to report you to the Roman Army!
Kd: OH NO!!! PLEASE DONT TELL ON ME!! I beg you! *heaves chest outward-lack there of chest...* I'll do anything to keep you from tattleing on me!
Peddler: *strokes chin and sneers* ....Anything?
Kd: ANYTHING! *clasps hands together and gives the man a puppy dog look*
*Peddler points to the ground and kd obeys*
*As the Lang gets on her knees, she begins licking off the crustys that have been accumulating on the Peddlers well forgotton Pubes*
Kd: *finishes* Okay, I have done what you have asked of me. May I stop being your Man-Whore now?
Peddler: Yes! Thank you very much! now the Missus wont have to make me scrub tonight, for I am getting alot of Poo-c . *winks*
Kd: *ponders what getting poo-c would be like again seen as how she hasnt gotten any in 12 years*
--Peddler waves 'goodbye' and trots off in the distance....Kd waves bye and slowly turns it into the middle finger and runs into her hut to masterbate--
Two days later the Roman Army busts into kd langs hut and drags her off to a distant Hill where there is a cross awaiting Kd: Cruxifiction! You cant nail me to the cross! Damnit you bastards! he made me lick his pubes clean!
Crowd: *laughs histarically*
Boy: Aye! i am BaginaBrad! You suck kd lang!
general: Any last words before I drive these large, rusty rivits into your bones and flesh!?
general: last chance!
Kd: *calms down and starts speaking*...I... I would like to recite a poem...*ahem*
Eat My Ass
It Tastes like gas
Poop on a Stream...
And it will float right past.
*Sighs and bust out into song*
CONNNNNSSTANNNNTTT !!! CONNNSTANNNTT CRAAVVINNNGG!!!! SHOO WOP SHOO WOP!! SUMMMEERRR FLIINNGG!
General: *Hammers Kds wrists and ankles to the cross* shut up you man whore!
kd: *cries out in agony*
*Birds peck at flesh*
*scarf falls out of Toga*
The Scene: A monistary in the foot hills of austria
Kd: *sings* THE HILLLSSS AAREEEE AALLLIIVVEE WITHHH THEEE SOUUNNDD OF MUUUUUSSEEEKKKK!!
shots are heared
Kd: What the hell is happining!? why are people trying to shoot at me!?
cringes and hides under apron Kd: I know what they want to hear! They dont want to hear no sound of music! they want to hear.... *sings*
Tuesday, December 04, 2001 the scene: Brad is sitting in front of his computer, trying hard to work on his English report.
Brad: This is so hard! -throws keyboard and starts crying-
Voice: +What's the matter, little boy?+
Brad: -looks about- Who is there?
Voice: It's me! Hemp-wearing, rainbow touting, mangina bearing alternative feminist female power rockstar actress, kd lang!
-kd lang crawls out from under bed-
-brad screams. loud.-
kd: let me have a look! -dives towards the keyboard, brad dives out of the way- Ooo...yeis...this report reminds me of a lemon I read once. -types happily-
-brad screams and bludgeons kd with a stapler-
-kd falls off of chair-
Brad: eeew...the keyboard is all sticky...
-bottle of Vicks Chloraseptic rolls out of kd's pants-
written by: Bradwick
Monday, December 03, 2001 "One time, I saw kd lang on TV, and I orgasmed so hard most of my hair fell out. - Kerry
"I have a constant craving to listen to some creed"--Brad
written by: Kerrington TeaTime
For those of you who think that rock stars arent just like us everyday Joe's and Jane's, we will prove you wrong here and now. We have taken the time to portray to our readers that yes, even the mighty Lang is human. The very misunderstood Bagina goddess is often said to be very normal and down to earth and we had to find out for ourselves.
Our Bagina staff sent out our on feild reporter, ImaTuna Net to The Lang compound to interview the Bagina Queen herself but due to circumstanses and ImaTuna Net's B.O, the interview was canceled. We then sent Miss Lang a sheet of questions to answer and she like the good sport she is, did answer us. Thank you , oh mighty one........and with no further adue.....we bring forth our exclusive interview.
What does KD stand for?: Kd is short for Kathryn Dawn. Iv'e had people in the past think it stood for Kangaroo Deviant or Kyle Doberman but no, its Kathryn Dawn.
Have any pets?: No. Not since the last time I went on tour. It's actually a funny story. You see, I went out on tour and I hired someone to housesit my home and take care of my pets. I assumed everything was alright back at home but yeah. To make a long story short, my housesitter starved my animals for her personal amusment. I was called two weeks later after I had begun my tour and notified that the housesitter was found naked and hung in my basement. She had left a suicide note saying that the pressures of caring for my animals was too much and she didnt want to live. Eversince then, I've not been able to get another pet. It's actually kind of funny if you think about it. Well ok. I guess you had to have been there to see the humor then.
What's your favorite color?: Hmmm, I have many but I would have to say Gold is indeed my favorite. It was purple up until I started this new thing called "huffing paint". You see gold is the most potent color to huff and the most desired in the huffing world. After a few puffs of some gold, all I hear is Helicopters! It's indeed my most favorite color. MmmmmHMmm.
Favorite snack?: No question about it. I love to snack on baby placentas.
Did you always want to be a Rock star?: Singing wasn't my first choice but just something I fell into and stuck with. As a teen I wanted to be a Physical Ed teacher but my dreams moved swiftly from that to wanting to be a Gynocologist. I dropped out of college though and soon moved into construction but after I hurt my shoulders lifting beams....I started to reflect alot. I realized I could sing and thought it would be a wise choice. Besides, I get more tail now as a rock star than I probably ever could as a Gynocologist.
Have any crushes on any other artists?: Only one. Gloria Stewart from Titanic. I swear, when I seen her on a wheelchair in that movie....My eyes began to undress her. She is Hot!
Boxers or Breifs?: Breifs. They give me and my crotch lots of breathing space yet that snug hammock like feeling I have come to love.
If you could be anybody or anything, what or who would you be?: It's a close race but I think I would choose to be Steadman Grahm who is Oprah Winfrey's man rather than a Sandwich.
Do you like the Bagina staff?: Hmmmm. I guess I would bone all of you so yeah. My answer is yes.
Is there anything You'de like to say to your fans?: I guess it would have to be to never urinate in public. You can get in trouble!
So if your not convinced yet that after reading this interview that Miss Lang is just like all of us....we recomend you go out and eat a bowl of dicks. Thank you.
disclaimer: This interview is as real as the rack on Tori Spellings chest. In other words...I smell like poop.
-millions run screaming-
written by: Bradwick
The Scene: Kerry Bagina is waiting in line at the mall waiting to go sit on Santa's knee and tell him what she wants for Christmas.
Kerry Bagina: Mom!!!!!! I'm tired of waiting in line! *cries*
Kerry's Mom: *reading Playgirl magazine and looking at spread shot of K.D. Lang* Shuttup, we're waiting!
Kerry Bagina: Mom, why are all the kids crying after they get off Santa's lap?
Kerry's Mom: Little kids are afraid of Santa. *drools on magazine*
Kerry Bagina: Ooohh, I see. oOoOoo! I'm next!
*walks up to Santa* *sits in his lap*
Santa: Hi there, little girl. Tell Santa what you want for christmas.
Kerry Bagina: I want a pair of socks and...
*Santa pulls a pair of socks out of his pants*
Kerry Bagina: Wow! *squeels with delight*
Santa: Is that all you want?
Kerry Bagina: Nooo. I want a K.D. Lang CD because...
Santa: *interrupts* *says in a deep, yet feminine voice* Wow really?!? I mean...*ahem* really?
Kerry Bagina: ...because I heard they make really good toilet paper.
Santa: You've been a bad girl!!
Kerry Bagina: But why Santa!? I've been good all year! I hate you! *rips off beard* *reveals 2 teeth missing*
Santa: Owww!! That's my real beard! and I'm K.D. Lang!!
Kerry Bagina: *gets up and runs* Mom!!! Santa is a wo-man!
Kerry's Mom notices that its K.D. Lang and runs to sit in her lap
Santa sings to Kerry's Mom..."All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth!......"
Kerry's mom feels K.D.'s throbbin nubbin
K.d Lang gave a happy mew and pushed her chest up, seeking more stimulation.
Kerry's Mom: Ohhhh K.D., I love you!!!
Kerry's Mom and Santa run off together.
Santa trips and falls
*Candy Cane falls out of pants*
written by: Pukarella
Friday, November 30, 2001
The Scene: A 16 year old girls bedroom whose name is Sara.
Sara: *sighs* Im so lonley. I wish i had a girlfriend. *flips thru teen people magazine*
-Thunder is heard off in the distance-
Sara: *jumps* Eeek! Im so scared! *rolls up into a fetal position next to her Kd Lang Plush toy*
Oh Kd, I wish you were real. *closes eyes and prays* *falls asleep*
--Thunder and lightning is heared clapping thru the skies and a small faire grants little saras wish.--
*Sara wakes up to something poking her in the side* *looks up with fuzzy eyes*
Sara: Who? Whos there? *blinks* *gasps* KD LANG!! MY WISH DID COME TRUE!
Kd: Hi Sara! touch my mangina! *winks*
Sara: Whats a mangina?
Kd: *chuckles* This is! *Pulls down pants*
Sara: *eyes buldge out wide* AHHH!! *sticks out toung protrudently* Ewwww! I want a Bagina not a Mangina! You have a Penus!
Kd: *puts mangina back in* But I thought you loved me! *puts her Presences up on Saras hip* HAHAHA I TEA BAGGED YOU!
-Kd jumps out of window-
-falls onto a cross eyed girl-
Girl: Are.. are you a puppy? *puts hand on kd langs cheek*
Kd: Im whatever you want me to be *grabs junk*
Girl: Your a puppy! So whats on your Christmas list?
Kd: *runs away screaming*
*gets hit by an Amish Buggy*
*White Out bottle falls out of boxers*
written by: Bradwick
the scene: a group of Advanced Biology students are reading quietly from their textbooks in a classroom.
Mr. Kays: So, we shall now focus on the kingdom Anamalia, phylum Chlordata, class Mammalia, order Primates, family Homidinae, genus Homo, species Erectus. What is this otherwise known as?
Jonny McKnowitall: HUMANS! -beams gleefully-
Mr. Kays: That's right Johnny! I'll give you mansex after class for that! Now, that's right. As you know, most animals cannot reproduce asexually, they require a sex partner of the opposite sex.
Stupid Kid: "UNLESS THEY'RE GAY!"
Mr. Kays: Yeah. That However, a new genus related to humans has evolved. The genus name is Manginus, meaning that it has a Mangina. This is a weird, weird, seriously m-ed up sex organ with a phallace and a poonany.
Mr. Kays: Yeah. The species is Langus, named for the only known member of the Genus: hemp-wearing rainbow rockstar kd lang.
kd lang jumps in through the biology room window, the kids scream and cower in their desks
kd: I hear you've been talking about my mad asexual skills! Let me example!
kd lang rips off her pinstriped pants, exposing her highly evolved Mangina. A third of the class is instantly struck blind.
Mr. Kays: OH GOD IT'S HORRIBLE!
kd: Yeah. So watch! -stabs herself with her passion dagger- OH GOD YES! Don't stop, me! You're so big, me! YES!
Mr. Kays: -stabs kd with a mechanical pencil-
-stops m-ing herself-
-"so, you're a hermaphrodite" pamphlet rolls out of pants-
written by: Bradwick
The scene: Kd Lang is sitting on top of a tree in the redwood forest
Kd: Gee it is sooooooooo Peacful here. I should write a song about the Redwood trees. everyone takes them for granted!
Kd: For what its worth, im going to write the best Red wood song in the world! *gets excited*
*sniffs air* what is that stench?
*smells own crotch* Oh god! i forgot to take a shower for the 6 day in a row! my bagina smells like 3 day old baby crack!
*strandles a tree branch*
Kd: Ok, thats better. *begins to write on her little tablet of paper*
Ode To the Redwood
Oh Red wood Oh redwood, Lets make love,
Ill stradle your branch, and you can give it a shove.
Red Wood Dildos are made out of redwood trees!
They make me feel happy, and give my boobs a squeeze
Has always been.
Trees inbetween my theighs, always make my body temperature rise.
My slit feels moissssss
and my clit makes noisseee.
Kd: Oh , i dont even think that that song writter for elton john could have writtin a better song than that! I am the greatest!
*leans over and farts*
Ohh! that felt good!
*looses balence and falls*
*hits every branch on the way down*
*falls in a mangled heap on the ground*
*becomes a vegetable*
*sock falls out of pantsuit*
written by: Kerrington TeaTime
Thursday, November 29, 2001
If K.D. Lang had a bagina, it might look something like this....
or maybe that's Bazima's dirty entrance to her cum dumpster.
The scene: K.D. Lang is at Dollywood. She saw a commercial with Dolly Parton on it and decided to go. (go figure)
K.D. walks in after getting her ticket. She sees the lifesize, yet anatomically correct, Dolly Parton statue to her right. She decides to get some dirty old man to take a polaroid with the statue while she gropes and fondles Dolly's saddle bags.
*click* *hands her the pic and the camera*
K.D.: Thanks! *wipes drool off stubly chin*
Dirty Old Man: No problem, sir.
K.D. walks up to the line for the Ferris Wheel.
K.D.: *says to the person in front of her* Hi! I'm K.D. Lang! Want my autograph?!
Person: Who? and No.
K.D. *looks around* *starts staring at a middle-aged woman with a serious camel toe*
*hears someone saying Sir! Sir!*
K.D. comes back from La La Land
Ride Operator: You can get on the ride now.
K.D. Oh...ok *gets in the bucket seat* Hrmm..I get to go by myself
*fat hairy woman that resembles Fat Bastard gets in next to her*
*K.D. cringes and looks the other way*
*the ride starts*
They are on their way up and K.D. decides to show the woman the picture she just had taken.
*reaches into her pocket and pulls it out*
K.D.: Look! Aren't I cool?
*Woman knocks the picture out of K.D.'s hand with her porkchop elbow*
*jumps for the picture*
*nutsac gets caught in the ferris wheel*
*Kenny Rogers rolls out of pants*
written by: Pukarella
Wednesday, November 28, 2001
The scene: Kd langs home in Canada
The Lang is sitting at home typing away at her computer when she is informed that there has been a new site made for her Kd: *types on her aim to her friend melissa Ethridge* " Hey Mel, I didnt know people made so many sites for me. People must really like me in the USA.
melissa: *types back* What are you talking about kd? No one really likes you except for BaginaKerry's mom.
Kd: Whos Bagina Kerry? And is her mom hot?
Mel: Oh you havent seen the new fan site for you!? No shes not hot. But Kerry is. ;P
Kd: *shifts in chair* *crosses leg man style* Oh give me the address
**Ten Minutes later after Kd lang has read through enough of the "BAGINA MONOLOGUE" site, she feels very, very creeped out.**
Kd: *Types back to melissa Ethridge* Oh my god! Those kids are so nasty! how could someon write stuff like that about me!?
Mel: *rolls eyes* I think it's funnie as hell. Its just for fun tho.
Kd: But everything they have said on there is true! Socks really do fall out of my pants! I really did get caught masterbating in public! I really really really did try to have sex with a 12 year old girl!
melissa: Ew! your sick get away from me you bastard!
Kd: *tries typing back but has been Blocked*
*Gets out her Nintendo and starts playing Duck Hunt*
*Tropical Parrot rolls out of pants*
written by: Kerrington TeaTime
Monday, November 26, 2001
K.D. Lang as a 7 year old "girl".
The scene: little K.D. and her friend, Jamie, are playing with their new Christmas presents.
Jamie: woooooooosh! crash landing G.I. Joe!! Right into Barbie's anus!
K.D.: Hey, I wanna play with your toys! *sobs*
Jamie: No! These are my toys! You should ask your mommies for your own G.I. Joes!
K.D.: *cries* But I want them now!
Jamie: *moves away from K.D.*
K.D.: *breaks into song* Connnnnstant Craaaaaaaaaving...
Jamie: Shut up! your song sucks!!
K.D.: Shuttup! *stands up and walks over to Jamie and takes his G.I. Joes*
Jamie: Give that back!!
K.D.: NOooOooo! *rips off G.I. Joes penis*
Jamie: *sits there with mouth wide open*
K.D.: *superglues it to Barbie's bagina and wraps tape around her boobs *
Jamie: *runs crying*
K.D.: *runs to her mommy* Mommy! Mommy! Look! *holds up Barbie* I want to be flat-chested and have a mangina like Barbie!!
One of K.D.'s moms: I've been waiting for this day...*smiles down at K.D.* ..*hands K.D. her first pant suit*
K.D.: Wow! Now I can impress Melissa Etheridge on the playground...*rubs down the stairs* *trips* *lands at the bottom with Barbie's feet stuck in her bagina*
The scene: Its 3:54am in a dark Dix Colorado alley. Kd has finished her show and is waiting to meet her "connect" behind the club.
Kd: *looks at her watch* What a load of bullshit. Where the fuck is he? My nipples are froooozzen! *rubbing hands together*
Doorman: Hey Kd....the guy with the merchandise says hes on his way. While your waiting want me to get you anything from inside?
Kd: As a matter of fact, bring me one of them fried weenie sandwiches I like so much and a cup of hot hawaiian punch.
Doorman: Alrighty! Be right back.
Kd: *looks at her watch again**looks up when she sees car lights approaching* Where the fuck were you. You know how much I needed "the stuff" Paco!
Paco: *gets out of car and fixes his cangol hat and mink coat and appraoches KD* Yeah yeah bitch!! You want my "supplies"*wipes nose*....your gona haveta wait as long as your gonna wait bitch, cause I'ze be a busy man..*opens the trunk of his car*
Kd: Sorry Paco but you know how much I need my "stuff". *looks around all paranoid for cops**appraoches the trunk of the car to take a look*
Paco: Well this week I got some of the good shit. *lifts up a Pant suite* You likes?
Kd: *nods* Yes....I likes. I likes alot.
Paco: Yeah Ide knew you'de like these Pant suites Kd. Me and my boys ripped off a Mens Wherehouse truck last week. I knew you'de likes.
Kd: *drooling*....how much for all of them. And the ruffly shirts?
Paco: Ummm.....since your always good for em.....8 grand.
Kd: alright....*reaches back for checkbook when suddenly the cops come*
Police: Put your hands behind your back!!
*Paco the pimp pulls out his gun and shoots at the police and the police fire back accidently hitting Kd.*
*the checkbook flies out of her hands and in slow motion she screams....*
Kd: Nooooooooooooooooooooo! Not My Pant suitessssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!
*tiny kittens roll out of pants*
written by: Maria
"One time, when I was at my Grandma's house, I saw her naked.
At first I was scared and ran away screaming, but then I was a little turned on and had a she-mangasm in the bathroom."
On the western side of Kenya, Kd lang is taking a vacation. she is going on a Saphari. As Lang put on her kakki Saphari hat, her little pooch, "Mr. Ta-ta" jumped into the massive SVU that she had rented to go on her little trip.
"Oh mr. ta-ta, I hope you wont get eaten by any scarry animals that lurk in the desserts!" Kd lang began...but something had a spark inside of K.d's head.
"I should write a song about this!"
After a long hard ride in the desserts, kd lang finally began her dream of writting the song of the saphari.
Oh Big Breasted Tribes-women I went for a ride today (yay yay)
I drove in my big truck 'round the bay (yay yay)
except for the part about the bay (yay yay)
I had a hard- on all day (yay yay)
I looked to my left, and I looked to my right
I saw a bunch of big breasted tribes-women
and they made me feel really horny.
Big Breasted Bitches!
You have big bah-bahs
Id get you all in the ass
while I pet my dog ta-ta
I went for a ride today (yay yay)
I saw many things (yay yay)
I drove up a sand dune (yay yay)
and got stabbed in the pune (yay yay)
Big Breasted Tribes-women bitches!
Eat my slit
Big horny native whores
Poop on my clit!
I usually like my bitches domesticated
but in this case i like to ram my strap on up there baginas!
[ Wayne Newton's Danke Sheon playing softly in the background]
Kd Lang, her life partner Mimi Bobek, Trisha Yearwood, RuPaul, and Tina Yothers have just said Grace and now enjoying their chow.
Mimi: So I said to the lady at the concert......."when god was passing out dicks......Tom Jones must of got in line twice cause man, Any woman would chip a tooth on that thing". For reals!
Rupaul: Hahahaha! Oh lord. Yeah....shes right....he is well endowed but then again look under the table. *unzips his pants*
*everyone looks but KD*
*tina, and mimi bot clap and give the thumbs up*
*mimi looks up at Kd*
mimi: Its safe. Hes gay. No harm done in looking at his pack...*snaps fingers at a distracted kd* HELLOOOO?!!!!
Kd: huh?! what. Harming gays? what?*looks up from her distracting mashed potato sculpture*
Mimi: what are you doing baybee? You've been acting funny since Martina called. Is this cause you wanted her to come tonight? I mean....she has those Subaru shows she has to do in Antartica. She couldnt make it. You understand right?
Kd: Yeah. I guess so. *sighs**continues playing with her mashed potatos making a mock topless martina playing tennis sculpture* Can I please have some more potatos though? Pass em on this way.
*slops some more on the plate and starts to make a mock martina Navatilova vagina on her plate*
Kd: I think im just going to have my dinner in my room*sighs and picks her plate off and takes it into her bedroom**leaves the fork on the table**sits on her bed and turns the television on to watch messican soaps and cries*Burys her face in the plate of the mock martina vagina and starts to lick the potatos while her tears roll onto the plate*
Kd: Oh martina......one day this will be for reals. It will be my tounge on yer love buffet! Just you wait and see.*licks the crack in the potatos*
written by: Maria
The Scene: A bathroom at a trashy club.
K.D. Lang steps up to the urinal and pulls out her mangina and looks down into the urinal.
K.D. Lang: What is this? It's hard, and blue, and smells minty fresh. Maybe it's a breath mint.
*finishes peeing and puts her mangina back in her pants*
K.D. picks up the hard, blue thing.
K.D. puts her hand up to her mouth and smells her own breath.
Saturday, November 24, 2001
The Scene: K.D. Lang is on the set of a porno called "Big Fat Wo-Man With No Knees" All cameras are pointing at the king-sized bed in the middle of room, which has a very large woman with a bad makeup job lying on it. The director walks up to the camera. "Lights, Camera, ACTION!"
*insert porn music here*
K.D. Lang struts into the room only wearing her big black strap on over her men's underwear and some men's dress socks that come up to her kneecaps. Mimi from The Drew Carey show is lying on the bed in a brand new set of lingerie made by the finest tent shop in town. K.D. jumps onto the bed all manlike and her mantits barely move. K.D. grabs ahold of her love sword and sticks it in Mimi's fat roll.
Mimi: *moans and pulls out a twinkie*
K.D. Lang: Take it like a bitch!! Call me Daddy!!!
K.D. Lang: That's what I thought! *pulls out of the fat roll* Get on your knees!!
Mimi: I don't have any knees.
K.D. Lang: Then smile like a doughnut!
Mimi: Did you say doughnut? *moans*
Director: CUT!! This isn't the Food Network! Action!
K.D. Lang: Dammit, grab my ding dong and suck it!
Mimi: Did you say ding dong? *moans*
Director: CUT! Dammit! We'll get you some food after this shot!!
K.D. Lang: Lick my chocolate starfish!!
Mimi: Did you say chocolate? *moans*
Director: CUT!! Fuck it!
K.D. Lang rips off her strap on and throws it behind her.
Thursday, November 22, 2001
The Scene: Amgina, Kergina, and Bragina are sitting around talking about baginas and singing
Kergina: Old Bragina had a flappy, E-I-E-I-O! And on that flappy he had a penis, E-I-E-I-O! With a *squirt* *squirt* here and a *squirt* *squirt* there, here a *squirt*, there a *squirt*, everywhere a *squirt* *squirt*. Old Bragina had a penis, E-I-E-I-O!!!
snorts and har hars
Amgina: If you're K.D. and you know it, clap your hands!
Wednesday, November 21, 2001
It was a hot day that day. I went to the race track to watch the young firm runners. It was the female olympics try outs.
"Oh my god! is that Kd lang!?" I heared a voice somewhere off in the distance. i smiled to myself because when i feel someone recognize me, I feel like i have a sense of purpose on this earth. As I smiled, i walked over to the girl that recognized me and out stretched my hand.
"Hi im Kd Lang."
I furrowed my eyebrows then turned beat red with Anger. Goddamnit. she had nice bewbies tew.
I gave the girl the finger as she ran away from me in the hot humid heat of the day. As I took my place in the front row close to where i could see the runners, sprinters,pole valters and all that shit warming up, i felt something between my legs.
I found that i had manovered my own hand to my hidden valley.
"Oh" I said to myself as I jolted upwards. I felt uneasy for a momment then i put my hands on my legs and tried to concentrate on the race.
There were 6 female runners running the 100 meter dash. I felt really hot even tho i was just in my wife beater and pinstriped man pants. I tugged on my belt that was at my waist for it felt very loose. I noticed that when i sat down it was on correctly, but after i removed my own wandering hands i discovred that i had subconsiously un did it.
"whats wrong with you kd! Im in public! i dont need to pull a pee wee herman!"
But as I saw the floundering flesh of the youth running past me, boucing, jiggling, swishing, sweating... I couldnt help myself.
As i slowly undid my belt, looking both ways to make sure i wasnt being watched even tho there wasnt that many people in the stands, I slid it off and placed it next to me.
at first I felt embarassed and i bagan reflecting on my sudden, hormonic actions.
"I cant do this" I thought but then i saw a short woman with tight curly hair pracing around the grounds playing "america the beautiful" on a silver flute, waring an all pink put fit.... I can not resist Manly Band teachers.
I drove my hand down into my dark shallow forest and began to probe my inner most secrets places...
"Aaooaah!" I moaned softly.
"What the fuck are you doing! sick bastard!"
As i sit here in jail, awaiting melissa Etheridge to pay my bail, i relfected on the days event and realized that my bagina was kinda stinky.